The Evils of Mary Sues
by Seabiscuit
Summary: I hate mary sues...do you? If so..r&r this..and yes, it is SUPPOSED to be mocking. And to all you mary sue authors who emailed me flames for my Legolas chapter...why don't you go wash you mind...THEN I'll wash mine
1. The Great Gimli

Chapter one: Gimli  
  
Once upon a time there was this girl, named,..well, like Jessica, and she was sitting on her bed and drooling over the LOTR cover art on a TV guide, when all of a sudden she felt sleepy and fell asleep and, oh my gosh, when she woke up, she was in MIDDLE EARTH.  
  
And, oh my gosh she was SURE that this had NEVER happened to ANYONE in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. And , like she was in sooo much trouble.and like, then she saw him. Not just ANY him..but HIM. Only the hottest guy she had ever seen in her entire life, and that was, like FOURTEEN WHOLE YEARS.  
  
He was short and had a LOOOONG beard and he was kinda fat but looks aren't everything, so heck why not, and she hiked up her skirt naughtily and walked over to him and flirted.  
  
And oh gosh the next thing they knew they were making out and, like, everything happened sooooo fast.***************CENSORED FOR NC-17 CONTENT*******************  
  
And she was like, sooooo happy, but then the author had to kill her off, because EVERYONE KNOWS that Gimli didn't get married..  
  
The end, Mary Sue's.keep writing and I'll keep mocking. And for once I say.flame me if you want to( but only review my good stories nicely.) b/c I HATE Mary Sue's . Up next comes EVERYONES FAVORITE...Gandalf.. 


	2. Chapter Two : Gandalf is GREAT

Chapter Two: Gandalf  
  
Gandalf the Grey sat up in bed and stretched, his yawn echoing off of the bare walls in his 'room' in Rivendell. Good old Elrond, always sooooo generous. As he stared out the window that faced the star filled sky, he dreamed of a girl.a perfect girl.  
  
Jenny sat on her bed, staring out the window at the cloudy, storm ridden sky..wishing she was in Middle Earth.wishing she was with a guy.the perfect guy..  
  
And whoosh.all of a sudden, she found herself sitting on a totally different bed, in a totally different world.staring at this gorgeous hunk of a man..er, wizard.  
  
"THANK YOU GOD!" he cried, and hugged her.and she didn't resist. He was sooooo hot in that stylish little nightie, and his long grey hair and beard really took the cake.not to mention those cute little bags under his eyes.  
  
"OH I LOVE YOU" Jenny cried, and the next thing she knew, they were kissing, and....and....and then ( SENSORD FOR NC-17 CONTENT)  
  
And the next morning they were sooooooo happy, until they went to visit Legolas on the archery field, and Jenny had a little...accident...  
  
Gandalf patted Legolas on the back. "It's okay, my friend, everyone knows I never got married anyway."  
  
The end  
  
  
  
Thank you to all those who reviwed..and yes this should disgust you, because Mary Sue's are disgusting. (which is why I revel in mocking them) 


	3. Chapter Three: Leggy Elf

Chapter three: Leggy Elf..  
  
Prince Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood sat carving his name in hearts on the steps in Rivendell, sighing, wishing he had someone...  
  
And.OH MY GOSH! All of a sudden THERE SHE WAS.standing RIGHT IN FRONT of her.er, him.  
  
"Like, wow." She said, and strutted around in her ten inch platform shoes. When she saw Legolas, she smiled and batted her eyelashes. "Like, hi, I'm Amy." She adopted the traditional Mary Sue pose..( aka..shoulders back as to make her pathetic half size A chest look bigger, and hands dug deep into her hips to make them look smaller.)  
  
Legolas looked at her.she was sooooooooo...he didn't even have time to finish his thought, all of a sudden she was in her, uh, his arms and the were kissing passionaltely.  
  
She.he led her to a quiet spot in the garden, and they ************PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS REQUIRED BEFORE ACESS TO THIS SECTION MAY BE GAINED*************  
  
Legolas was sooooooo happy until Amy saw Aragorn, and told Lego boy to buzz off because she thought ARAGORN was MUCH hotter than Legolas would ever be. .which didn't last long because Arwen had her executed.  
  
Legolas walked through the gardens with Arwen, and smiled at the other elf. "Feel no remorse at the outcome." She, uh he smiled. "Because everyone knows I can't get married anyway."  
  
They walked away, into the sunrise, and once again, all was well in Rivendell..for a while that is....  
  
The end  
  
  
  
Thank you all those who reviewed..and next up is everyone's favorite...the one.the only...ELROND! :- ) 


	4. Chapter Four: Elrond the MAGNIFICENT

Chapter Four: Jolly old Elrond  
  
Brittany was sitting on the steps of her front porch.wishing for someone.anyone.even if they were 5 millennia old and were partially bald..and then.*POOF*.she got EXACTLY what she asked for..in Lord Elrond.  
  
Elrond took one look at her and knew that it was meant to be. After serenading her with 20 verses of an elvish love song,he held her in his arms and looked down into her eyes.(which highly resembled a cat's..but Elrond thought little about those faddish contacts.).and gently kissed her.but it didn't remain gentle for long.*****SENSORED FOR ADULT CONTENT*****  
  
But it was only like three nights.or was it four? Anyway..it was later that she FINALLY went to meet the others..but alas, as she walked through the gardens, Samwise Gamgee fell out of a tree and squished her flat.  
  
As they watched the pallbearers lower the casket into the ground, Elrond patted Sam on the back. "parting is such sweet sorrow, Samwise, but everyone knows I never got remarried anyway."  
  
The end  
  
Hehe.next up is Sam..and I fear that you are all in for a bit of a surprise.. 


	5. Chapter Five: Sam is SUPER

Chapter Five: Sam is..ummm, never mind.  
  
Samwise Gamgee sat on the bridge in Hobbiton, watching the happy little stream flow by. He was VERY happy for the rain they had just gotten.it had left a beautiful RAINBOW in the PRETTY sky filled with HAPPY little SMILEING clouds.  
  
Sam dreamed of having a love like them..the stream loved it's fishes and the sky loved it's clouds.and Sam wanted someone to love too.  
  
AND POOF! Sitting right next to him on the bridge was the most BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS GOOD LOOKING short guy that Sam had EVER seen.even the RAINBOW couldn't compare to his ****SENSORED****  
  
And the next thing Sam knew he was kissing this nameless stranger.and then****NC-17 CONTENT EDITED****  
  
And Sam and Joe sat at the breakfast table the next morning and were sooooo happy. but as they walked out onto the lawn, a cabbage sailed out of no where and hit Joe HARD.hard enough to KILL him.  
  
As Sam walked away from the grave side.he clasped his arm around Pippin's shoulder. "It's okay, Pip.everyone knows I'm not gay anyway."  
  
We hope :- )  
  
The end.  
  
Like it? Next up is Boromir..please tell me if you wish for more of these.things. 


	6. Chapter Six: Boromir is

ChapterSix: Everybody Loves Boromir...  
  
Boromir sat near his 'grave' which was actually this hunk of floating driftwood that had FINALLY washed ashore, and sobbed. He'd never even had a chance for love. death had claimed him too quickly.  
  
Waaaaaaaaay across the world, in a whole nother time, Becky lay in a hospital bed.dreaming of the days before she had tried to do her Boromir imitation, dreaming of the days BEFORE the little arrow incident.and, like all of a sudden.SHE WAS THERE.sitting with this MASSIVELY HOT guy (who cares if he was dead) near this big piece of rotting driftwood.  
  
Boromir took one look at her and fell MADLY in LOVE. There was NO CHANCE that he didn't love her.she was PERFECT. He took her in his stiffening arms and held her too him.they kissed and kissed and ********PARENTAL GUIDANCE REQUIRED******  
  
And they sat on the bank together.somrthing happened then that NEITHER ONE would EVER intend.Becky .disappeared..into nothing.  
  
Back in the normal world, the doctor slowly shook his head and drew the sheet up over Becky's body. Kids and movies these days..  
  
Boromir sat on the shore and smiled up at the sunrise. "Oh well, who'd want to marry a dead guy ANYWAY?"  
  
The end.  
  
A little different than the others..but with a dead guy..it HAD to be. Next up will be the long awaited.BILBO! Please R & R if you want more 


	7. Bilbo Baggins of the Ssssssssssssshire

Chapter 7.....THE LONG AWAITED BILBO  
  
Bilbo Baggins of the Shire sat in his little room in Rivendell mulling over the past, present and future.dreaming of the days when he was free to be a hobbit and not bound to the shiny metal object.but, just as Bilbo nearly broke down and cried, a GORGEOUS CHICK with like a TEN INCH waist dropped into the room right infront of him.  
  
Bilbo took one look and was DEEPLY, MADLY, HORRIFICALLY IN LOVE, and from the look on her face, the feeling was mutual.  
  
"Hi." She said, and stuck out her nonexistent chest. "Fancy meeting you here..stranger."  
  
Bilbo grinned.it was the girl from his dreams.the girl who had the ring.the ring.THE SHINY METAL OBJECT.  
  
In less than a second he was standing on a chair and kissing her...and then ********CENSORED DUE TO EXPLICIT CONTENT*********  
  
Bilbo Baggins was the happiest man, er, Hobbit in the world. He stared into the eyes of his beloved and........SHE VANISHED.....RIGHT BEFORE HIS VERY EYES. He broke down sobbing, and eventually cried himself to sleep, dreaming of pretty girl and shiny metal objects.  
  
Needles to say, he was never quite the same hobbit again. 


	8. In conclusion, parting, and for encoreGr...

I sincerely hope you've all enjoyed this disturbing and plot less romp through the evil world of MARY SUE...but I regret to announce that this is the end. The final chapter follows. And being the final chapter, I have aspired that it be a bit..different. Ah, well, read it and judge for yourself.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Grima Wormtongue rode swiftly away from Rohan with all the speed his horse could muster. The city turned into country, the country to grasslands, and soon he could see Fanghorn Forest looming in the distance.  
  
It was then that he noticed the bright spot of light, glowing less than a mile ahead. Knowing he didn't have the time, but giving into his ever present curiosity, Grima reigned his horse over in the direction of the tiny fire.  
  
As he approached, he saw a pale, thin figure, crouched near the weak flame. At first glance it appeared to be an old woman, but as he dismounted, he saw than not only was she young, but quite pretty. At least, if you consider stringy hair, dark eyes circles, and a slightly hunched back beauty. Grima glanced in the hand mirror he kept well concealed inside his cloak, and, after gazing at his reflection for a moment, he figured she had it all where it counts. In an instant, all thought of Eowyn vanished from his mind.  
  
He knelt down by her and looked lovingly into her eyes. There was no need to speak, his eyes said it all and she read them perfectly. In an instant he had his arms around her, and...(You know the old story.******************)  
  
It was the happiest day, and night, and day again of Grima's life. And as they rode of towards Isenguard atop his horse, he smiled happily and tried to ignore the nagging thought at the back of his mind reminding him that Mary Sues never lasted....  
  
But surprisingly, there was no disappearance, no arrow, no flying cabbage, and no death.  
  
Grima and his love rode on.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
There you go! (I didn't figure anyone would object to THIS Mary Sue. And if by chance, someone does.YOU'RE SICK!) There we are...the final chapter. Soon I believe I'll start a story detailing the characters I left out in this one. Of course, the new tales will be longer, filled with detail, and each will have it's own plot. But, ah, until then.... 'The Road goes ever on and on...'  
  
~Tasker 


End file.
